I’ll admit it. I may need a stint in HGTV rehab. I have a small HGTV addiction. I can stop at anytime though, I swear. Ironman doesn’t think so. He once tried to bribe the cable guy to block the channel permanently from entering the house. True story. He commiserated with him, since his wife also shared a love of the Home and Garden sauce, and they went and got a beer. Not a true story. I’ll continue. So, my relationship with the home improvement crack is at times a love/hate one. A hit of House Hunters will go a long way. But then there is Love It or List It. Look, I enjoy a good episode of a couple who bought a two bedroom one bath house ten years ago, then had a baby…then got pregnant again. With triplets. And all of the sudden, last week, the house is too small. Poor Hillary has $5 to build an addition, complete with a bathroom that will accommodate four girls (that will one day be teenagers). And God love her, she makes it happen. And they decide to [long awkward pause] love it. Doooohhh. Sorry David. But who could blame them? David showed them an amazing house that was 4,000 square feet of new construction with hardwood in every room, a chefs kitchen and a jacuzzi tub for $4. But wah wah wah. It’s one street over. Not in their neighborhood, David. Weren’t you listening? That’s the sound of ratings going up. LOVE IT. But then there is the episode with the family who has a perfectly normal sized home. But their is stuff EVERYWHERE. And someone needs to send them a few channels over to a little show called Hoarders. The mother complains of tripping over coats and boots in the entryway as they don’t have a “proper” mud room. Seriously? Here’s a tip lady, teach your kids to pick their stuff up and put it away. But no, the whole family is drowning in their organizational shortcomings and the only answer is to move. That’s right, when my house is too messy, I just call the real estate agent. So, Hillary digs in (no doubt with a Hazmat suit and a shovel). And of course, the house was built 4,000 years ago (give or take a year), so she runs into issues and needs to sell their next child on eBay to pay for the increased budget. And the people actually seem surprised. What? The electrical wasn’t the same in 1950? How could this be? Clearly their common sense is vacationing with their organizational skills. And can we talk about the wife? Why is the wife never happy? Cut to the poor schmuck who married her, who is silently screaming with his eyes “save me!”. Someone please take the remote away from me. And force me to watch something else.
Unless that something else is the Property Virgins. Oh those adorable property virgins. It’s the same couple on every episode just in different entitled clothes. This young couple turns down 500 houses because of the paint color, a scratch on the baseboard or the kitchen that doesn’t have granite and stainless steel appliances (gasp). And I cry for them. Really I do. Because these things are permanent, people. They cannot under any circumstances, be changed. It’s a tragedy wrapped in despair. Enter Sandra, who politely informs them that they sell paint at Home Depot, but unfortunately they’re sold out of location. So after a small dose of reality, the couple reconsiders and Sandra can now buy a new set of blazers.
HGTV must hang on to the virgin’s number because down the road they contact the Property Brothers for their next move. And with ownership under their belt, they are cocky as ever. They simply must live 12 steps to public transit in a mansion in walking distance of all the hip restaurants and boutiques. And it would be, like, totally awesome if it were turnkey ready, Jonathan. So the bros show them what they want for double just a hair over budget. After learning they’d have to rob a bank to afford the house, they leave licking their wounds. Drew courts them with a few houses that may or may not be condemned. If they can just look past the smell of cat pee and the shag brown carpet, the smooth talking siblings show the couple a rendering of their possible Barbie dream home. “I mean, it looks great guys, but can you really do this?” Um, have they been living under a rock? Have they ever seen Property Brothers? This handsome duo can reno a house held up by two toothpicks with a tube of hair gel and a stick of gum. Drew scampers off to get the house for rock-bottom prices and after a fretful cup of coffee, the couple owns…a dump. With potential folks, don’t worry. But here’s the catch. THEY have to pitch in and do work. Actual work. Well no wonder it’s within budget. If I’m the one pulling up the brown shag rug and I’m starring in your tv show, what are you bringing to the table Drew and Jon? Oh yes, the good looks and brotherly love. I don’t know about you, but I’d demand a paycheck. And better working conditions. But then again maybe that’s why I’m the one on my couch with the remote looking for my next fix. Well payed, HGTV. Well played.